Where did my Brain go?

I swear I have some of the most brilliant posts in my mind.  Just this weekend, I had an idea for a very thought provoking piece dealing with…yup, I can’t remember it.

So at first, I thought to myself this would be a temporary thing…The infamous mommy brain.  I recognized it when I was pregnant with my first child.  I would be talking with a friend, and I would have to recall an event, something minimal that I of course knew how to describe eloquently, but alas, I would just end up saying, “Um, um, um…wait a minute, it’ll come back to me” and the thought would never come back to me.  It was like it was stranded on a desert Island, waiting for me to come save it.  It was there, I just had to find it.

My memory recall has gotten worse after my second child.  I even took extra DHA (recommended by a friend) in order to save my brain cells.  Sometimes when i’m at work and in social circles, I sound really smart and I think to myself, “There you are brain, we’re back in business!”  Other times, I feel like a blubbering idiot.  I try to laugh it off, because I know this is a part of life, but I have thought to myself, “Is this early onset dementia? Am I losing it?”

I hope i’m not alone on this, because It would totally suck if I was.

You know how you feel when the thought is right there, and you just need a little help recalling it so that the full thought comes out and you can display your genius like a proud peacock?  Well I feel like that all the time.

Yesterday, I had a great topic idea for a new blog post and I tried to write it down but I was in a place where I couldn’t write it down anywhere. When I tried to recall the idea…yup, you guessed it, I couldn’t remember it for the life of me.  If ever I felt a missed opportunity happening, that was it.

No mom wants to really admit that her brain loses cells each time she has a child.  The repercussions in the work environment and at home would be too great.  Imagine your boss blaming your work performance on your lost brain, or your partner always blaming your absent mindedness on your missing cells.  But I really wish those conversations could happen because they are important.  Imagine how your workflow would go if you were totally honest with your boss, your co-workers and your clients if they knew this information and didn’t use it against you. If society was more honest about motherhood and parenting in the 21st century, that means we could have an honest conversation about my missing brain.

I Might Quit or get Fired, and That Might be a Good thing

Let me begin by saying this is extremely difficult to write. But maybe if I do this, I’ll be free from the shackle that has blocked my writing stalemate for the past 2 years. See, I’ve been afraid to write about depression because I’ve been in denial. I’ve been in denial that I have been suffering from post-partum depression for 3 years. See, the world that I live in doesn’t permit me to wallow and be depressed. The world I live in is filled with daily tasks that need to be completed at home and at work. I can’t pause and tell everyone “excuse me while I work out my depression”. I have kids to feed, baths to give, groceries to buy, dishes to wash, hair to comb. I have guests to book, reports to fill out, news clips to pull, interviews to conduct. There’s no time for depression when you have so many people counting on you to be at your best game at all times.
And I’ve heard the, “don’t be so hard on yourself”, “let some of that stuff go” ” you don’t have to be perfect”. Well tell that to my boss who has told me for the umpteenth time that my reports are late. Tell that to my kids who don’t have clothes to wear because I haven’t washed them. Or don’t have food because I haven’t cooked it. Please tell me then that “everything doesn’t have to be perfect”.
Young kids demand so much, and there are no provisions in the workplace, for women of small children. This proves to be a very volatile time for women. I have known several who have given up on work to stay at home full time because there was no leniency at work. These are smart, professional women who could add so much to the fabric of a workplace, but because most jobs see women who have children as a personal issue instead of a workplace adjustment, these women are either thrown out like yesterday’s trash, or forced out like an involuntary sneeze. And I am one of them who is currently in the middle of an involuntary sneeze.
I love my job, I really do. The ability to be creative everyday and to display that creativity in the form of a program that many people listen to is a gift that is only given to a select few. I get to challenge myself, I work really well with my co-workers ( which also doesn’t happen often) and I enjoy doing something outside of the home because it gives me something to talk about other than baby stuff. But I feel the sneeze coming. For the past year, my depression denial has gotten worse, resulting I some mistakes, big and small, where I have tried to cover up my memory loss. My inability to concentrate, my daydreaming, and my general difficulty completing small menial administrative tasks. The result has been a running tab on these personal issues.
So we’ll see… i’ve faced adversity before and came out alright …I’ve been fired before and been fine, and I’ve also quit before and it turned out to be one of the best decisions I have ever made.