I Might Quit or get Fired, and That Might be a Good thing

Let me begin by saying this is extremely difficult to write. But maybe if I do this, I’ll be free from the shackle that has blocked my writing stalemate for the past 2 years. See, I’ve been afraid to write about depression because I’ve been in denial. I’ve been in denial that I have been suffering from post-partum depression for 3 years. See, the world that I live in doesn’t permit me to wallow and be depressed. The world I live in is filled with daily tasks that need to be completed at home and at work. I can’t pause and tell everyone “excuse me while I work out my depression”. I have kids to feed, baths to give, groceries to buy, dishes to wash, hair to comb. I have guests to book, reports to fill out, news clips to pull, interviews to conduct. There’s no time for depression when you have so many people counting on you to be at your best game at all times.
And I’ve heard the, “don’t be so hard on yourself”, “let some of that stuff go” ” you don’t have to be perfect”. Well tell that to my boss who has told me for the umpteenth time that my reports are late. Tell that to my kids who don’t have clothes to wear because I haven’t washed them. Or don’t have food because I haven’t cooked it. Please tell me then that “everything doesn’t have to be perfect”.
Young kids demand so much, and there are no provisions in the workplace, for women of small children. This proves to be a very volatile time for women. I have known several who have given up on work to stay at home full time because there was no leniency at work. These are smart, professional women who could add so much to the fabric of a workplace, but because most jobs see women who have children as a personal issue instead of a workplace adjustment, these women are either thrown out like yesterday’s trash, or forced out like an involuntary sneeze. And I am one of them who is currently in the middle of an involuntary sneeze.
I love my job, I really do. The ability to be creative everyday and to display that creativity in the form of a program that many people listen to is a gift that is only given to a select few. I get to challenge myself, I work really well with my co-workers ( which also doesn’t happen often) and I enjoy doing something outside of the home because it gives me something to talk about other than baby stuff. But I feel the sneeze coming. For the past year, my depression denial has gotten worse, resulting I some mistakes, big and small, where I have tried to cover up my memory loss. My inability to concentrate, my daydreaming, and my general difficulty completing small menial administrative tasks. The result has been a running tab on these personal issues.
So we’ll see… i’ve faced adversity before and came out alright …I’ve been fired before and been fine, and I’ve also quit before and it turned out to be one of the best decisions I have ever made.

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